“Nonresistance, nonjudgment, and nonattachment are the three aspects of true freedom and enlightened living.” – Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose
Throughout the course of our lives, we my frequently find ourselves trying to control situations, people, or outcomes. But ultimately all of these things are not within our control. It is often when we are faced with situations that challenge our desire to control that bring the most unhappiness or stress.
When you resist what is and attempt to force outcomes on situations or control others actions, you are creating your own tension, your own suffering.
This is because ultimately, all we really have control over is ourselves. You control your emotions, your reactions, and your actions in every moment. But you cannot control external situations, outcomes, or even the actions or thoughts of other people. It is in surrendering control, surrendering to the present moment, and truly surrendering to what is – to all external situations – that we realize our real power.
You have the power to choose how you react. In every moment, you have the power to let situations affect you in a positive or negative way, or perhaps to simply see a situation as existing without judgment, without labeling it as positive or negative – it just is.
When you allow yourself to fully surrender to the flow, the possibilities of life open up to you. It is only then that you can see where this beautiful life can take you.
The act of surrendering control, is not weak. Instead it ultimately brings true peace and power.
Eckhart Tolle put it best in The Power of Now when he said:
“To some people, surrender may have negative connotations, implying defeat, giving up, failing to rise to the challenges of life, becoming lethargic, and so on. True surrender, however, is something entirely different. It does not mean to passively put up with whatever situation you find yourself in and do nothing about it. Nor does it mean to cease making plans or initiating positive action. Surrender is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing the flow of life.”
The Challenge to Surrender
You may find it difficult to surrender control, especially in situations where you think you know best. For example, perhaps your child is challenging your rules or is simply refusing to take that nap no matter how tired they are. Or maybe a coworker doesn’t want to cooperate with what you need to move forward on a project. Maybe simply life’s circumstances seem to keep getting in the way of allowing you to achieve your next goal.
What if instead of fighting it, you surrender and accept the situation exactly as it is. Instead of pushing back, which only causes more pain or discomfort, just surrender through nonresistance, nonjudgment, and nonattachment to outcomes. Rather than letting something upset you or fighting back to force what you want to happen, simply let it be.
Perhaps this act of surrender will provide you with new perspective on the situation – what you thought was so important may not be as important as it seemed. Or perhaps you step back, allowing yourself the space and opportunity to see a new approach or new way of doing something that you had not considered before.
A crying baby who isn’t ready to settle down for a nap may provide an extra opportunity to slow down instead of rushing through your day. Why not surrender and take a few moments to enjoy extra snuggles before rushing off to that next thing you think you have to check off your list. A roadblock that disrupts your plans or gets in the way of achieving your goals, may actually provide new insight or an unexpected opportunity for growth.
My Own Experiences with Surrendering Control
I personally I have struggled with surrender from time to time, as we all do, wanting to control situations in order to ensure a certain outcome. Several situations in my life recently brought reminders of this message to me. But one of the most constant reminders for surrendering control in my life comes through my dog, Basil.
Basil is incredibly smart, loyal, and fairly well trained. She is always ready to please me, and knows exactly what she is and isn’t supposed to do. But she is also a little spitfire with an independent streak and intense interest in figuring everything out for herself. She is determined and challenges me when I try to control her too much.
It is in these times when she pushes back when I have to stop and evaluate – is this really what is best or what needs to be done or am I simply trying to control the situation for my own satisfaction, outcomes, or ego.
For example, Basil absolutely knows she is not allowed to stick her little nose in the dishwasher and lick the dirty dishes while I am loading it. This is basic manners, and a rule I am not going to compromise on. But she pushes me on this rule every once in awhile. It is in these times that my act of surrendering is simply realizing and accepting that my approach to setting this boundary is not working. I accept what is, and then evaluate what I can do differently to enforce the rule and encourage better behavior next time.
Another example is on our daily walks. We go on long walks around the neighborhood every day, and are always changing our path to keep things interesting. I usually set our path leading Basil where to go, but sometimes Basil, for some reason or another, is determined to go a certain way. I used to push back and force her to follow my path, even as she pulled her little 10 pound body with all her might in the other direction, but then I realized that it doesn’t usually matter which way we go.
So now, Basil and I take turns deciding which way we go. Sometimes I lead, but other times I fully surrender and let her choose the turns. She knows the neighborhood and our typical paths as well as I do, so I let her guide us, and sure enough she always takes us in a loop that leads back home.
People say that the behaviors we struggle with most often in our dogs are a reflection of the problems we struggle with most in ourselves. Recognizing this, I try to let it be a reminder every day to help me surrender to the beautiful flow of life.
A Practice in Surrendering & Finding Your Power
It can be difficult to surrender control, especially with things that seem so important. But often when you really look at it, there really is no other choice but to surrender – you cannot control the outcome either way.
Surrendering control to the present moment and giving in to the flow of life is a practice, one that often gets a little easier each time. So as you move through your day or your week (or maybe even as part of your daily morning routine), look for ways in which you can surrender. Perhaps you may find it easier to start with the small things. Look for the times when you are clinging to control. Look for the moments when you are attached to a certain outcome. Simply recognizing is the first step.
Then consider, how can you find peace and surrender in these times? How can you practice nonresistance and nonattachment? Can you give yourself space, and let the act of nonjudgment allow you to see things in a different light?
Meditation for Surrender
You can also try the following short meditation practice. This is one of my favorite meditations for surrendering to the flow of life provided by the amazing people at Boho Beautiful. If you like this meditation, feel free to check out their many other free meditation practices available on the Boho Beautiful Meditation channel.